People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung

Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.

Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.

Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin

What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!

Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.

How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.

The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!

Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney

What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.

When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"

Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.

What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.

Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.

Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.

What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other

Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.

I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.

Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.

Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Why was the broom late? It over swept!

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.