What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
I love you a tot!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Yoda one for me!
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
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