How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
Permission to board?
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
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