I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Wow, you drive me Davi
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
My fridge is hotter than you.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
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