"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Treat yo'elf.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
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