What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
I like long runs on the beach.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
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