"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
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