What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Can’t pinch this.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
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