What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
The huddle is real
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
This is snow laughing matter!
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
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