You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Girls just wanna have sun.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
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