What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?

What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"

You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.

Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!

Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!

Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.

The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

The temperature can only go up from here.

Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!

The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.

What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron

What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.

Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.

Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

Let’s make some pour decisions.

Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.

I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.

Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.

I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.

I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.

Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.

What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.

A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.

The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.

What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!

I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.

Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.

What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?