"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
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