“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
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