There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
"There's no bunny like you."
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
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