I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
"I make pour decisions."
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Prepare to be bowled over.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Go to BabaMail
