I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
You octopi my thoughts.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
I'm the life of the paddy.
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