What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
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