“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
I'm at my best during overtime.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
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