Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
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