How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
It's always a first class trip with me.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
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