As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
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