“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
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