What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
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