Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
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