My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.

Busy buzzing bumble bees.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)

This is snow laughing matter!

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.

Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

I beg your garden?

I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin

When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.

Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.

What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“

How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

I find my core strength in you.

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown

I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.

What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.

I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.

Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller

The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.

How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.

The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.

What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!

My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”

I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.

People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.

Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day