Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
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