You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Say it ain’t snow.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Sip, sip, horray!
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