You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
Don't even chai.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
It was mitten in the stars.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
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