What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
The huddle is real
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
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