I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
When someone accidentally stepped on his foot, the wolf screamed, Aoooowwwww!
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
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