What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Where my prose at?
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Hey, are you okay-leb?
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
I love you dairy much.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
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