Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!