How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
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