"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
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