[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.

“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”

How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".

There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.

Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.

If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.

What should you double check when buying an electric car?

That your driving license is current.

What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!

The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!

You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.

Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.

What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.

My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.

What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.

“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26

What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!

When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."

Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones

Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.

The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.

What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.

"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan

What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!

What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where’s pop corn?

Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”

What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.

Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.

What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!

Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.

Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!

What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.

When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.

For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.

"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown