“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
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