The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Icy what you did there.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
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