What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
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