Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
I can get you off the Naughty List.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
You're hotter than a data center!
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