Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
You’re my heartthrob.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
What a spud muffin.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
I sulfur when you argon.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
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