What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
I’m kind of a big dill.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
"I don't tan. I burn"
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Seas the day.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
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