How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
People are always after me lucky charms.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
One trick peony.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
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