What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!

Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens

In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!

How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?

If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.

You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.

Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!

How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!

Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.

I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!

During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.

What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.

Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.

If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.

What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.

Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?

Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.

Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.

I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

Can February march?
No, but April may.

You’re brew-tiful!

I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."

The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.

If you were a flower, I would pick you.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.

Let’s make like a banana and split.

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.

What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!

How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head