Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
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