You’re sweeter than fructose.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
Here comes the sun of my life
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
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