When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.

“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”

- Jeff Foxworthy.

What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.

What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.

What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).

What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!

I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."

You have one compact set.

What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.

Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.

My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.

People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.

You’re my heartthrob.

Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.

Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!

The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.

"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown

Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.

What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.

I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.

How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!

Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?

What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...

The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Zombies are dead but they live with it.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.

The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.

Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.

"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels

Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

That boy narrated his-story really well.

Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.

Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.