My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Live to tell the tail.
One more thyme.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I fence-y you.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
I love you a tot!
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
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