My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
You really flipturn me on.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I love your energy.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I saw you and I pictured us as swans, we could mate for life.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
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