I like big punts and I cannot lie

What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.

“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous

What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.

You’re unbeleafable.

How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.

Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing

Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".

Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.

People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.

I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.

Whatever coats your boat.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.

Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.

“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower

Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?

Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.

I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.

How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.

When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...

How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.

Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens

Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.

What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.

Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.

Irish I had better jokes.

If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.

Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.

Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.

What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.

Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.

Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!

Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.