“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
You're such a TEAse.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
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