What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
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