A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
when I’m with you.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
You are the object of my preposition.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
I loaf you.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
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