How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
I loaf you.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
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