Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I am a mean green machine.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
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