Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
The ocean made me salty.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
We’re mint to be.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
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