[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
How hot does your gas oven get?
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
I love you dairy much.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
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