What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
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