How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?

He apollo-gises.

There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!

What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.

I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.

Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.

My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.

“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford

Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!

How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.

Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!

Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.

In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"

What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.

What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan

Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock

“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”

What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.

“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.

What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.

Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?

What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.

How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.

Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.

If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”

I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper

Scarecrows always garden their patch.

Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.

“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street

What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.

What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!