Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Fairies just spell trouble.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
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