Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.

Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.

When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time

Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!

Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.

What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.

Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.

I'm at my best during overtime.

"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase

Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin

What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.

If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.

What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!

Your bible would look great on my nightstand.

If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.

Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.

Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!

What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.

Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP

The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.

What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!

I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.

Metaphors be with you.

Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.

My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.

“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather

Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.

There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.

just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.

“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous

As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.

It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.

If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.

I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.

"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."

After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.