What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
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