I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
We've reached the point of snow return.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
I can score from multiple positions.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Go to BabaMail
