“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
I'd run miles just to be with you.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
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