I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
The ocean made me salty.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
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