Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Dublin over in laughter.
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