So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
"Your kisses are to dye for."
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Want to become my new personal best?
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Air resistance is a real drag.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Go to BabaMail
