I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
The superconductor left without resistance.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Go to BabaMail
