How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
"No wine left behind."
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Go to BabaMail
