Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
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