Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Goat milk?
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
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