There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
I bet you’re really flexible.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
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