What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
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