How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
Don’t moss around.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
You're so clover!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
"Eggs-cuse me."
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
You make me want to Twist and Shout
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
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